My Journey to Motherhood

by - Monday, February 10, 2020


It has been exactly 2739 days or rather 7 years, 5 months, 30 days when I conceived my first child. Thandolwethu “our love” Rethabile “we are happy”  Lillian “innocence, purity and beauty” the soul that began my journey into motherhood. I was 23 years old, scared in the beginning but with the support we had from both families and most importantly the reassurance from Thando’s father, his presence and involvement the fear quickly turned into exhilaration which grew day to day. His bond with his daughter started from the day of conception, every kick, every sickness, and every craving in the odd hours of the morning and grew till the day of birth and remained even after our separation.
Thando brought so much joy into the lives of the people close to her, my mother, her paternal family and even her Aunt (One of my close friends), who was a part of the journey every step of the way including her welcoming ceremony. Almost 8 years later, every morning at 06:10 am stands a beautiful, loving, caring young lady that graces my bedroom with her jovial presence to remind me just how important my life is because I was entrusted with hers.

Conceiving again.

An early Tuesday morning as I woke up to pass the fluids that would influence the outcome of the stripes that would change the rest of my life. As I slowly immersed the HPT in the fluids of fortune, so many emotions and mixed feelings crossed my mind. It was almost as if I knew... - After I had Thando, I had made a promise to myself that I would never conceive another child out of wedlock, a promise encouraged by mother’s expectations of my life. “The life of a girl raised from behind bars” a story for another blog post. These must have been the longest 30 seconds of my life. The embryo’s father was always persistent on wanting a child which we debated on and off about and hey you know what they say about the power of the tongue.

As I looked down deep in thought there were the stripes that were going to change my life. One of them solid and vivid and the other, the other was blurry almost as if it was struggling to exist, it gave me a little bit of hope that well maybe just maybe it is just my imagination and there is no second stripe. As the seconds passed by the stripe darkened together with my hope of fulfilling the promise I made to myself. There it was two stripes, this plastic rod had just prophesized upon my life and confirmed by greatest fear. The fear that I had broken the promise to myself, the fear of unpaid maternity leave, the fear of taking this journey on my own, and as I tossed the HPT on the bedside near the embryo’s father, the fear of bringing a child into a world so doubtful  and a past that carried so much pain.

My thoughts, were that I could not go through with this journey, the ambiance was dull, dark and hopeless. It was almost as if I knew... fast forward to the weekend after finding out, I met several strangers that would approach me very strongly voicing their opinions about the blessing that a child is regardless of the circumstances. All these occurrences were hard to ignore but still my biggest fear and driver was disappointing my mother, which lingered in my thoughts several times. Eventually she prematurely found out, not from me so I was not even in a position to manage the effects. It was almost as if I knew... from that moment on I was disowned for good. Here I was A 30 year old woman living in her own place, working and having raised her daughter “very well if I may add” with no dependence on anyone but the excellent co-parenting relationship formed with the father, was being banished and prosecuted for conceiving.

A lot of things crossed my mind and in the midst of willing to end the life of this growing embryo, to save the relationship with a woman that has lived the majority of her life, I was sent an Angel, someone that changed my perspective and believe it or not saved the embryo. It is very overwhelming how someone’s presence or influence in your life when having reached a crossroad can just like the stripes, change your life forever.
So here I am a mother of one bright young lady and about to embark on a journey of raising my second child. Yes, I finally called him/her child because that is a true reflection of how my journey unfolded.

From Embryo to Mohau

Mohau - God’s grace upon my life.
Meaning of Mohau
Grace, the divine influence which operates in humans to regenerate and sanctify, to inspire virtuous impulses, and to impart strength to endure trial and resist temptation. Deliverance from enemies, affliction, or adversity. It also denotes enablement, daily guidance, forgiveness, and preservation.

Yes you guessed right Mohau was the name that came to me in a dream I was walking around a park seemingly looking for someone or something and calling out the name Mohau, and as I looked behind me there was Thando, holding a little toddler by the hand but I could not make out the gender and she responded her we are mommy. When I woke up that name was stuck in my head all day and at that time I knew this was not just an embryo that would one day develop into a foetus, but divine grace upon my life. The conception of Mohau has brought me nothing but pain, loss and darkness. That is when I discovered that this was no ordinary child I was carrying but this was a sign of favour upon my life. “Mohau, you came into this world and you shook it up just as a foetus growing inside of a woman that has defied failure it made me wonder the impact you would have in this world when your presence is physically felt”

There maybe someone out there in a similar situation as mine or different in some elements. My message to you is learn to lean not upon your own understanding and trust in the plan set out for your life. There isn’t a load too heavy for its owner to carry, fix your crown and even in the darkest of times remember what you have overcome.

Thank you for reading, if you have any questions please leave them in the comment space below.

Like, share, and interact.

Love & Light
Just  Kutloano “A lioness and her cubs”

You May Also Like


  1. Wow chomi firstly I would love to congratulate you with all you have accomplished. I am sooo proud of you. Reading this post gave me the comfort and reassurance I needed. From when I found out I was pregnant with my adorable son through the complications, trials and tribulations, to his arrival until this present moment I have been in a dark space feeling lost and alone. Your post didn't just motivate me to start walking towards the light of not depending on anyone's acceptance, support or even their patience through this journey with me but also inspired me to start trusting in my own ability and understanding to trusting in the plans that Baba God has set out for me. Thank you soo much. Love you lots and congratulations on the baby����

    1. Thank you so much my friend with very few and little people having congratulated me on this pregnancy every well wish means so much to me. Thank you my friend you know the journey i have traveled very well. I am glad I could inspire you on your journey and that is the purpose of the blog. I am looking forward to the journey.