My Journey to Motherhood
by
Kutloano Mohasoa
- Monday, February 10, 2020
Conceiving
It has been
exactly 2739 days or rather 7 years, 5 months, 30 days when I conceived my
first child. Thandolwethu “our love” Rethabile “we are happy”
Lillian
“innocence, purity and beauty” the
soul that began my journey into motherhood. I was 23 years old, scared in the beginning
but with the support we had from both families and most importantly the reassurance
from Thando’s father, his presence and involvement the fear quickly turned into
exhilaration which grew day to day. His bond with his daughter started from the
day of conception, every kick, every sickness, and every craving in the odd
hours of the morning and grew till the day of birth and remained even after our
separation.
Thando
brought so much joy into the lives of the people close to her, my mother, her
paternal family and even her Aunt (One of my close friends), who was a part of
the journey every step of the way including her welcoming ceremony. Almost 8
years later, every morning at 06:10 am stands a beautiful, loving, caring young
lady that graces my bedroom with her jovial presence to remind me just how
important my life is because I was entrusted with hers.
Conceiving again.
An early
Tuesday morning as I woke up to pass the fluids that would influence the
outcome of the stripes that would change the rest of my life. As I slowly
immersed the HPT in the fluids of fortune, so many emotions and mixed feelings
crossed my mind. It was almost as if I knew... - After I had Thando, I had made
a promise to myself that I would never conceive another child out of wedlock, a
promise encouraged by mother’s expectations of my life. “The life of a girl
raised from behind bars” a story for another blog post. These must have been
the longest 30 seconds of my life. The embryo’s father was always persistent on
wanting a child which we debated on and off about and hey you know what they
say about the power of the tongue.
As I looked
down deep in thought there were the stripes that were going to change my
life. One of them solid and vivid and the other, the other was blurry almost as
if it was struggling to exist, it gave me a little bit of hope that well maybe
just maybe it is just my imagination and there is no second stripe. As the
seconds passed by the stripe darkened together with my hope of fulfilling the
promise I made to myself. There it was two stripes, this plastic rod had just
prophesized upon my life and confirmed by greatest fear. The fear that I had
broken the promise to myself, the fear of unpaid maternity leave, the fear of
taking this journey on my own, and as I tossed the HPT on the bedside near the
embryo’s father, the fear of bringing a child into a world so doubtful and a past that carried so much pain.
My thoughts,
were that I could not go through with this journey, the ambiance was dull, dark
and hopeless. It was almost as if I knew... fast forward to the weekend after
finding out, I met several strangers that would approach me very strongly
voicing their opinions about the blessing that a child is regardless of the circumstances.
All these occurrences were hard to ignore but still my biggest fear and driver was
disappointing my mother, which lingered in my thoughts several times. Eventually
she prematurely found out, not from me so I was not even in a position to
manage the effects. It was almost as if I knew... from that moment on I was
disowned for good. Here I was A 30 year old woman living in her own place,
working and having raised her daughter “very well if I may add” with no dependence
on anyone but the excellent co-parenting relationship formed with the father,
was being banished and prosecuted for conceiving.
A lot of
things crossed my mind and in the midst of willing to end the life of this
growing embryo, to save the relationship with a woman that has lived the
majority of her life, I was sent an Angel, someone that changed my perspective
and believe it or not saved the embryo. It is very overwhelming how someone’s presence
or influence in your life when having reached a crossroad can just like the
stripes, change your life forever.
So here I am
a mother of one bright young lady and about to embark on a journey of raising
my second child. Yes, I finally called him/her child because that is a true reflection
of how my journey unfolded.
From Embryo to Mohau
Mohau - God’s
grace upon my life.
Meaning of Mohau
Grace, the
divine influence which operates in humans to regenerate and sanctify, to
inspire virtuous impulses, and to impart strength to endure trial and resist
temptation. Deliverance from enemies, affliction, or adversity. It also denotes
enablement, daily guidance, forgiveness, and preservation.
Yes you
guessed right Mohau was the name that came to me in a dream I was walking
around a park seemingly looking for someone or something and calling out the
name Mohau, and as I looked behind me there was Thando, holding a little
toddler by the hand but I could not make out the gender and she responded her
we are mommy. When I woke up that name was stuck in my head all day and at that
time I knew this was not just an embryo that would one day develop into a foetus,
but divine grace upon my life. The conception of Mohau has brought me nothing
but pain, loss and darkness. That is when I discovered that this was no ordinary
child I was carrying but this was a sign of favour upon my life. “Mohau, you came into this world and you
shook it up just as a foetus growing inside of a woman that has defied failure it
made me wonder the impact you would have in this world when your presence is
physically felt”
There maybe
someone out there in a similar situation as mine or different in some elements.
My message to you is learn to lean not upon your own understanding and trust in
the plan set out for your life. There isn’t a load too heavy for its owner to carry,
fix your crown and even in the darkest of times remember what you have
overcome.
Thank you
for reading, if you have any questions please leave them in the comment space
below.
Like, share,
and interact.
Love & Light
Just ♥ Kutloano “A lioness and her cubs”
